A few links I think you’ll like

First, a random post I stumbled upon that has some helpful ideas for perfectionists:

Also, cultivate the mindset of what I call compassionate objectivity, which is the opposite of perfectionism. Perfectionism is harsh and punishing and reductive, but compassionate objectivity is the voice of the inner kind and wise adult who adds perspective by looking at the whole situation. For instance, “Okay, so I didn’t get an A on that paper. That’s disappointing. But why did it happen? Well, I was sick for part of the time, and really worried about some stuff going on with my relationship. Also, the instructions for the paper were really unclear I really should have checked in with my teacher, and I’ll be sure to do that next time. And maybe I’ll go get some counseling to help me cope with the relationship.

Note how the compassionately objective person is not giving herself a pass: she clearly identifies her mistakes and makes a plan for improvement. But she dispenses with the guilt, shame, blame, regret and remorse that mires the perfectionist.

Second, Greta writes about her depression, and includes a coping strategy that I really like:

When I’m in a depressive stretch of my life, I have to make managing my depression pretty close to my top priority. And among other things, this means that if I have any impulse at all to do something that alleviates the depression, I do it if I possibly can. If I have any impulse at all to go to the gym, to get outside, to socialize, to write, to masturbate, to get a manicure, to read for pleasure… I do it if I can.

Third, Cliff Pervocracy talks about what you can learn from kinky/poly/queer relationships, even if you are none of those things.   The post is long but hilarious and you should read the whole thing, but I’ll tease you with a bit of intro:

But the things I want to share with you aren’t really about having kinky sex or having multiple partners, because, y’know, you’re wired for that or you’re not.  I don’t think you can learn it.  A lot of people just aren’t wired for it and that’s okay. What I do want everyone to learn is the philosophies that the people who do these things have developed.  When your sex doesn’t follow the traditional model to begin with, you have to – well, at least you should—put some extra thought into what you’re doing, and a lot of really good ideas have come from that. That’s what I want to share.  Because whether you’re into latex Boy Scout Uniforms or not, you can still learn to experience sex as being made of possibilities and choices.  Whether you want to have twelve lovers or just the one, you can still learn to build relationships instead of just letting them happen.

And finally, random science that is awesome, because sometimes I just can’t help myself from linking Ed Yong:

Last year, Todd Schlenke from Emory University in Atlanta showed that the fruit fly Drosophila melanogaster uses alcohol as medicine. Like many insects, these flies are targeted by parasitic wasps that lay eggs in their bodies. To stop the newly hatched wasps from devouring them alive, the fly larvae consume alcohol at toxic levels. This kills many of the wasp grubs and causes crippling deformities in the survivors. But the flies, which live in a naturally boozy world fermenting fruit, have evolved to handle their drink. They suffer few side effects from their unusual medicine.

I may post something myself today, or I may not… need to get out and see the city! But either way, enjoy the links–happy reading!


  1. Ooo, the Drosophila science is cool! Evolution never ceases to amaze.

    I’d already seen Cliff and Greta’s articles, and yep, there’s so much good in both of them. I want to share Cliff’s article with everyone I know, kinky and not, but that would involve explaining how I came across him in the first place, which, no. I think I’ve been following them both for the better part of two years now! I found Greta just as I was in the process of walking away from a lot of my religious up-bringing, and she has been so helpful in that regard. I don’t agree with everything she says but she does know how to argue her case. 🙂

    Finally, ugh, that perfectionist article struck a few chords. The points about over-identifying with the work, defining success very narrowly, and dichotomising were damn close to the target. And lets not talk about how the minute stuff gets hard at uni I disappear into the blogosphere….

    And is that an actual starfish or a piece of artwork? Either way, it’s very pretty.

  2. Yes, drosophila science is fun stuff. Glad you enjoyed it.

    Cliff and Greta are both awesome. Cliff I’ve been reading for awhile, and he does a good job of articulating lots of ideas about sex in an amusing way that is very relatable and makes for good sharing stuff. Greta I’ve been reading since I started leaving religion myself, and I got to meet her once when she came to speak at my school. She’s awesome.

    I used to be very hesitant to share things from either of them because I was worried about what people (mostly my family) would think. But personally, I’ve stopped giving a fuck. It took me a long time to get here, but now my whole family is at least sort of aware that I’m non-religious, and that I have some strong and non-normative opinions/views re: sex. My whole family knows about this blog but I’m trying not to let that change what I write here. They don’t have to read if they don’t want to. Also, as an adult, my policy towards family relationships is this: if they want a relationship with me they have to deal with me as the actual person I am, not as the person they’d like to imagine me to be. As for friends, I don’t really have a need to keep people around who can’t handle those parts of me.

    I want my main concern in deciding what I write here to be for my personal comfort/safety/sanity. That includes “what am I comfortable with random people finding when they google me”, but that’s not the primary emphasis. Basically, if I feel like I have something to say and that other people might enjoy/benefit from it, I’d prefer to err on the side of writing it rather than not writing it.

    As for the star (I’m assuming you mean the one in the sidebar), believe it or not, that’s a cookie! My family makes sugar cookies every xmas that we frost with brightly colored icing and paintbrushes. I’ve now been doing it for 20+ years, so I’ve gotten to be pretty decent at it. It’s funny, because it’s the only medium in which I have even the slightest talent for visual art…. I can’t draw or paint or anything. It’s really just a placeholder image until I actually get around to customizing this blog a bit.

    • You got to meet Greta?!! Colour me jealous!

      I should imagine my facebook friends know well what my views on sexual matters are – I post enough social justice stuff, but my personal tastes are not up for discussion with most crowds. As for the religion thing, everybody knows I’m not a church-goer these days but if they try to bring it up, it gets shut down pretty damn quick because it makes ME uncomfortable sharing that mess. Anyway, my point being, I admire your policy.

      I do indeed mean the one in the sidebar. That it might be a food item did not even cross my mind. Mad skillz! Keelium plus the star cookie makes me think of some sort of novel element, which fits with the science thing.

      • Yea, I actually went to Purdue University, and was in Purdue Non-theists (the atheist group Jen McCreight(blag hag) started) from the beginning. Jen and I were both biology majors in the same graduating class, and we lived in the same apartment building my senior year, so I kind of watched her become internet famous while also regularly running into her on campus/in the building. Weird but awesome. Greta came to speak for Purdue non-theists at some point and so I met her briefly. I’m jealous of Jen though, cause her and Greta are like, actually friends.

        And for what it’s worth, I don’t mean to come off as brag-y or judgmental about my ‘policy’ for having as much openness as possible around here. It’s what works for me, but I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not exactly wired normally when it comes to this stuff. I also don’t intend to be explicit about my sexual preferences around here, for my family’s sake and because it isn’t terribly relevant to the goal of this blog at the moment.

        And thanks for the cookie compliments. I wish I had better than an iphone photo though, that star is probably my favorite cookie I made this year! Black icing is kind of ridiculous and turns your mouth purple, but it makes for some gorgeous cookies.

        • Ooo, cool! I don’t think the atheist movement is as well organised here in the UK. There are student groups but I’ve never seen them doing stuff on campus. Like, I don’t think it’s such a big deal here what religion, if any, you belong to. My housemate, a fellow biologist, knew someone who went to talk to the atheist group when she was at Oxford Uni, and said they knew so, so little about the science of evolution and that they were as judgementally angry at those amorphous Christians as certain Christian groups can be about things like abortion. Not good.

          Ahh, I don’t think you came across as braggy at all. It’s a sensible thing that works for many. For me at the moment, it’s not worth the hassle of being completely myself around certain family members. I hate being under the obligations I’m under with regards to my Mum’s mother but Mum and I have discussed it, and I’d rather Mum wasn’t on the receiving end from Gran. I counted it a success getting Mum to agree not to pass on messages from Gran. Baby steps.

          Hehe, I always find it entertaining when food colouring turns your tongue funny colours. Blue Slush Puppy is great for that!

  3. Pingback: how to create: just show up | a little dose of keelium

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